Thursday, April 2, 2009

Vanity, Vanity...


Today I am laughing, itching, laughing, itching....yesterday I was only itching! The things we do to "get beautified"....it's amazing! In my case, all is vanity....the "sure fire ways" given in all the magazines and media just don't work for me.

I already knew, from painful past experience, that me, long stints in the sun and tanning beds DO NOT MIX! Let me fill you in on just a "few" of my crazy sun soaking escapades! The weather has not even gotten to a constant warm this Spring and already I am suffering from my "it won't happen again" syndrome.....

From a young age, I realized that the sun, although a friend to others, could be "painful" to me! On days like "4th of July" picnics, where our family played "all day in the sun", I would get so BEET RED, I'm talking fire engine red here!, that my forehead would blister and practically bleed from the sun poison. Thank God I was always a "farmer's tan" girl! If I had exposed any more of my body than my face, arms and legs, we would have been in for major problems. After spending so much time outdoors, these parts of my body became very "comfortable" in the sun for limited amounts of time...going to college in Jackson, Mississippi helped some. The humidity and sun is different in the south than my home in WV. I actually got a decent tan by sitting on the bleachers in the afternoon doing my college homework. Nice:)

Once, while visiting my BF Sue, she turned me on to a new, wonderful invention~ the "sun lamp". She had acquired a beautiful tan in a matter of minutes under it's light and welcomed me to do the same. Now I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shack and what I'm about to share will surely prove it! While staying over at Sue's house one day (everyone in the family was at work, so there was no-one to rescue or warn me!), I took my turn "under the lamp". Of course since I am such a "multi-tasker", I thought that I should continue reading my book while laying under the lamp. If a couple of minutes were good, a few more would be better, right? And, why wear the protective goggles? I could read AND tan at the same time! What a modern day marvel! Just too cool for words....NOT! That night, I woke in the middle of the night with EXCRUCIATING PAIN! Dear God, who turned the lights out and turned up the heat? I ran to the bathroom and could not see myself in the mirror! What was wrong? I finally figured out that if I opened my eyes a little wider, I could see around the HUGE RED TAN THAT WAS NOW ON MY EYEBALLS!!!! EEEK! Even though I was a Star Trek fan, I did not want to look like an alien like this! I suffered in silence til the light of day, then had to tell my Dad what happened. Needless to say, off I was taken to the local eye doctor. The doctor was not pleased AT ALL and told me a few more minutes under the lamp would have cost me my eyesight FOR GOOD! I had to spend the next twenty-four hours in a totally black room, resting my eyes and taking meds for the pain. I remember my brothers sneaking in to bring me pain pills and food...how stupid could their sister be? It was a classic moment for "here's your sign"! If you would have looked up STUPID in the dictionary, it would have had my picture! RED eyes and all!

So through the years, I have kept my sunbathing to a happy minimum....just enjoying short amounts of time outside while watching the kids play or working around the yard...nothing too lengthy or unhealthy for me. Last year, I decided that if others could do the "cool tanning bed" route and look so beautiful, I could too! So off I went with my girls (the lucky little ones who can lay in the beds and look absolutely stunning!), to spend my first 3 minutes in the tanning bed. I actually was scared at first to have the bed "close" over me! Talk about claustrophobic! The next morning, a rash appeared....an itchy rash! I pondered and finally had myself convinced that my medications for High Blood Pressure was the culprit. So, I did not return to the bed~ at least not that year!

Now we are headed into a new Summer season and I had a plan. I would ask my doctor to take me off the medications that were not "sun tanning" friendly and put me on some that was! So, she did. If I want to go out west to Texas this Summer and visit my brother in AUGUST, I had better have a decent tan so I don't look foreign or swelter in the heat! So, I waited til I had taken the new meds for over a month, then made my trek back down to the local tanning spot. I thought, "My as well lay for six minutes this time, won't even be able to tell if you don't!". That was this past Monday. That evening, I had NO visible signs that I had even laid in a tanning bed. NOTHING! Well, after 24 hours, the bumps began to show....and kept coming! I now have a red rash all over my body! What? Why didn't the new meds save me? I looked it up on webmd....this is not suppose to happen! At least to the majority of NORMAL folk!

Looks like I am not normal....could have told myself that at the "get-go", but seems like I must prove it to myself over and over and over....(OK, you get it!). I was complaining to my hubby about not being able to tan....he just laughs and tells me that I could use the "sunless tanning lotion" in the bottle....another BFF tells me that a spray tan might be my only other option. So, looks like I will be spreading LOTS of lotion this summer....really wanted to have the "sunkissed" thing going, but with all the trys, I realize "All is vanity...".

Do you have a funny story of a "beautification ritual" backfiring on you? Please share....remember, we are all reflective hearts! We can laugh now, but at the time~ probably not!:)



Here is the link to another funny cartoon that I could not get to copy: http://www.cartoonistgroup.com/store/add.php?iid=31014

4 comments:

  1. :) hilarious...although, i'm sure it doesn't feel so funny during the extremely itchy moments.

    how 'bout we go visit a spray tanner when we're together? then we can have a good laugh at how it's stark white between our fingers, toes, and behind our knees while the rest of us is goddesslike brown?! i'm game! :)

    think our browning days might be over, BS.

    love ya.

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  2. See, I made you laugh, even in my misery!:) Yes, I am willing to try the "spray" option, even with the multiple skin tone colors it may apply! Will give us another reason for a good laugh! Yes, brown is down (sorry UPS!) at least going the tanning bed route! Surely I have learned my lesson this time, you think? Love ya more! BS:)

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  3. Being the BF, Sue, all I can say is God is good and really protected you during that crazy time in our lives. I am glad you are okay today. I think you should give the spray tan a try and let me know how it turns out. Or better yet, send me pictures of the results.

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  4. Actually, I have a few bottles of the "fake tan" stuff that I am going to try and...

    think I have one more alternative to try....If I go in the tanning bed covering the parts of my body the sun never sees, I may be able to get a decent tan on the parts that the sun knows (face, arms, legs)...will let you know how that works out....may be another "OOOOps, I did it again" moment.....hope not! Loves (((H)))

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