Note to self

Yes, I awoke this morning. What a nice thing to be able to do!

A myriad of thoughts and emotions grabbed me.... sending me reeling... with the first "firing" of my brain waves. WOW! What a machine my body is!! ~ full of production and feeling.

In the past few weeks, I have not been able to write on my daily blog. When I started the blog, I WANTED to write daily, but I have let my emotions stall me for a while... my creative juices kept rolling (I think I have 20 ideas for blogs in my "DRAFT" box), but I have been unable to COMPLETE THE TASK.

Today, I sit back and really ANALYSE this... why would I get a project all the way to the final task and not complete it? As I try my best to find out WHY I have let this happen, I realize it is not the first time in my life that I have been "afraid" to make a "last and final step".

To admit this is HUGE.

Why would I want to admit that I have fears?

To have to say that I am afraid of what MAY happen in life if I continue or "step forward" in some regards?

To confess that I am terrified at times to let my mind roll into some areas...

Why would I not take a FINAL step ~ all the while "knowing" that I have all the equipment, needs and supplies to make the trip successful?

WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK?

My mind and heart first start giving excuses.... Oh, you are still grieving. That was one excuse that I really held onto... Yes, I have not been "totally" myself since the passing of my father. The "missing link" in my life from his absence has been so strong at times, that it OVERPOWERS my emotions. I can be discussing ANYTHING with my boss, co-workers, family, friends and the hurt will come up within me and try to choke my mind with thoughts like...

How can you go on with life like nothing has happened?

Why are you not rolled into a ball somewhere and allowing your heart to wallow in self-pity?

You need to "shut yourself" down and concentrate on how much you are hurting!

What does all this stuff you are discussing matter?

I SHAKE MYSELF. My mind, body and spirit knows better than to listen to this type of instruction. WHY? HOW do I know "better" than to allow myself to escape into "self-pity"?

BECAUSE I KNOW HIM. HIM. THE ONE TRUE LIVING GOD.

Many mock spiritual revelations and guidance. Many say "you are weak to allow a spirit to guide you"... "You and only You can control your life/destiny". Well, I beg to differ and am glad to admit.

MY LIFE IS NOT MY OWN.

One day, a stranger (to me) came and bought this totally abandoned, no account, struggling little lost soul and offered me restoration. Without HIM I would have traveled the "fear" road forever and indefinitely... without HOPE of ever getting off!

He gave me "options" like ~ "Trust in me with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, acknowledge me, and I'll direct your paths".

So, I can KNOW, UNDERSTAND and BELIEVE but still need to IMPLEMENT.

Implementation is where I sometimes "shut down". I get the "knowing, understanding and believing" parts accomplished.... but the step of faith that will prove that I have all the 'goods'... in this regard I falter... I pause... I 'freeze'.

In looking back in retrospect... I do recognize many times that this "pause" has come...

When I walked around in a haze of hurt and confusion when my parents split up. I was 13 years old. This was the when the "freezing" times started... when I was totally "knocked down" by the realization that life can throw some really BAD stuff at you sometimes! Prior to this time, I think I lived in an almost "fairy tale mentality".

I thought everything would always be WONDERFUL ~ life would always be FAIR ~ and nothing could hurt me as long as we (my family) stood together and "fought the good fight of faith".

When this 'bubble burst', then my real "fears" began. I realized that I could be a target! That the winds of change and life could be cruel... cutting you with fierce, tornado - like winds.

Since that time of "awakening", I have endured and suffered many disappointments in life just like everyone... just like you. You name the darkest problem you have faced and I or a close friend or family member have been there... experienced it first-hand. As I talk to people more and more, I realize that no one is IMMUNE. We have ALL been attacked by some of life's most horrific abuses.

So, let's be HONEST! We are daily struggling with SOMETHING! Yes, I can smile, find joy in my salvation and smile most of the time.

BUT, underneath, I need help.

Daily I need to seek and ask for the "guidance, instruction and protection" from above. Sometimes it is protection from myself.

Note to self:

(My Prayer) I admit that I am weak. And that is OK. For in your WORD, you say that in my "weakness, YOU are strong". I like that I can depend on YOUR strength. Remind me, help me remember that... that I NEED YOU!

So, today I am breaking my "ice" AGAIN! I get online and I "make myself" face life... step into the unknown... share some of myself again. WHY? Maybe it's because you are at the "implementation stage" too! And you need that extra, "JUST DO IT" word...well, here it is...

Go Ahead.

Take hold of God's hand.

He will never harm you.

You can trust him explicitly.

You're at the peak, you need to take the next step...

Take a breath and move forward...



See, it was not so bad. Nothing to be so afraid of. Just another dimension or path to start following that may be a little different... but BETTER if the Master is leading the way. And believe me... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!